It's Just Me...

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I am finally able to get my feelings out since I lost Balki. I can not tell you how hard the past few weeks have been. Talk about calling out to God... the day he died I knelt down and put him in his grave and I prayed that I too could lay there beside of him. I struggle right now to even tell you this...my eyes are filled with tears. I have never in my life thought of wanting to die...but on that day, all I could think was that the pain of heartbreak was unbearable and to be beside of Balki whether on earth or in Heaven, was all I wanted. Therefore today I want to tell you what I am thankful for. I am thankful that God allowed me to feel the pain of losing Balki, that He allowed me to weep, scream, and in the end call out to Him. What did I ever do without God? I am thankful that I have a precious 10 pound little black "fox" named Bailey. What a joy to have him in my life! We now share a bond that I don't think anyone could ever imagine. He is like a little person. And by the way, he is very photogenic (don't you think?) He has been my saving grace, and hopefully I have been his. Don't you wish sometimes they could just talk to you and tell you how they are feeling? I want to know that he is ok, I want to know that he hurts the same as I do, that his love for Balki is still as strong as mine is, and that I am doing the right thing by trying to find him another companion. It is now, and only now, that I can truly even imagine for a minute what pain God had to suffer to give up His only Son to die for my sins...what a great and mighty God. How awesome to be called a child of His. I struggle still with even how to end this post, it is now November 28th and I started this post on Thanksgiving Day. My words no longer come easily, and my feelings seem like they have no place to call home. I want so badly to feel like the same "me" again. But I know, that my whole world has changed with my loss. Never will I walk in the door again and see my little guy Balki barking at me because he is mad that I left him home, never will I see him take a piece of food and throw it with his mouth and then run over to it and "save" it, never will I lie in bed at night and have his little body crawl on to my chest to fall fast asleep. As I am typing, I am crying and I am ok with lettting everyone know that. I MISS HIM. My heart ACHES for him and I know that I have experienced a love for something that I will never feel again. I miss my "heart"... because that is what he was. He was my everything. Somedays I feel numb, as though I am just going through the motions, and somedays I allow myself to be "real" which is my sadness. I know that time heals, its just some days, I wish that I could take time back and be there for one more day with him. I can't help but tell you about the song that I play every night before I go to bed....

Diamond Rio : One More Day

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then againI know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing Id do, is pray for time to crawl
Then Id unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
Id hold you every second
Say a million I love yous
Thats what Id do, with one more day with you
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
with you.........

It really is how I feel.... just one more day. I lay down at night and think about Balki, I wake up afraid sometimes that I have "rolled over" on him and then I realize that my reality is just my nightmare, that he is no longer here, and I am.
Many people talk about the Rainbow Bridge, and I can tell you for the first time in my life, I am excited about the day that God calls me to Heaven. For me, it can be today or tomorrow, or later in my life, but on some days, I pray that it is sooner rather than later. Not that I want to die, I just dream of the day that I see my best friend again. And there is no place better to be than in the midst of God. My friend Becky sent me a poem about dogs and I cry every time I read (seems normal for me these days :) ) I want to share it with you.

I live among God's creatures now, in the Heavens of your mind,
so do not grieve for me, as I am with my kind.
At night I sleep in angel's arms, her wings protecting me,
and moonbeams dance about us as stardust falls on thee.
So when your life on earth is spent and you stand at Heaven's gate,
have no fear of loneliness, for here, you know I wait.

I have to believe that he waits for me there. I can see him now and I smile, which I have to admit ...is hard to do right now.